Even the Hopeless All Have Hope Somewhere
by HpGinny77
Summary: It's highly possible to think that after fourteen years of depression and loneliness, someone would give up. Remus Lupin isn't like most people. But when Remus is on the brink of losing his sanity-his hope, he looks for comfort in a friendly Nymphadora.


**Author's Note:** This is my very first oneshot so please don't hold back an criticism. I chose to do Remus because I felt like I connected with him and Sirius very well. I can be very dark, and I thought Remus' mind is very similar to that, even if he doesn't act it. So here is my Remus: enjoy :)

It is ridiculous that one person can contain so much emotion that they never knew existed inside them. Remus thought he had hit rock bottom fourteen years previously when he took a knife pierced his heart.

For fourteen years ago, Remus had four wonderful best friends; something he never thought he would ever have as a young boy. As an older boy he was so connected with his friendship that he foolhardily believed that his happiness would all last forever. The day he became an real adult was the day that he lost the entire foundation of his childhood: he had gained friends, and then he had lost them.

Lily and James, the happy couple, whom Remus had been so closed to were mercilessly killed in an effort to save their only son. As if that wasn't hard enough, he had heard that it was James' best friend, Sirius, who had betrayed him and also killed Peter, the final of the four, out of insane rage. For thirteen years, Remus had lived a hard, cold, lonely remainder of a life, so mundane that his mind turned raw. But just a little over a year ago, that band-aid was ripped open again to find that Sirius had been innocent, and Peter, still alive, was the traitor. It was difficult-very difficult-to find the belief in the turn of events so many years ago, but Remus had reached deep into the leftover of his heart and found a place for his friend-his best friend-Sirius Black to rejoin him once more.

The past year had been a jump into the waters of his youth once more. Remus had so much fun and memories to fill while he worked a moral job for the Order of the Phoenix, helping his old mate. It had meant so much to him; it had been a restoration of his faith in friendship, in love, in life.

Remus had been wrong. Where he though he had hit rock bottom fourteen years ago was actually now. Now, when Sirius Black-his best friend in the world-had died.

Remus couldn't believe it first, he didn't want to believe it, but he had held strong. He had held strong for Harry, Lily and James' brave, brave son, who needed the snap and consolation more than he did. He had made sure Harry was completely safe, physically and emotionally, before he had collapsed next to the arch that Sirius had died through, numb.

Nothing anyone said or did had made a difference; even when the Minister of Magic himself had walked through the room, offering him sorrow, asking him to drink some water, even shouting at him to leave the archway, Remus didn't. There was no physical proof, no smile or laugh or handsome face for Remus to see that was dead. The only way he knew Sirius had gone was through his own eyes; but he could be wrong, he could insane, his wearwolf eyes could've been hallucinating.

And with this numb, slightly hopeful feeling, he had waited in Sirius' house for the next two weeks. It was only when he left to pick Harry up from the train station did he see how miserable and wretched Harry had looked. It looked like he had been through hell and back with his empty stare and droopy eyes. It was a look Remus recognized that he himself had had when Harry's parents had died. That was when he realized that Sirius had to be gone; when had Sirius ever kept Harry waiting? Sirius had risked everything, including his own life, for Harry. And if Harry knew Sirius was dead, then Sirius was dead.

It had been months since this had all happened, so Remus had gone back to his fallback, robot routine of low-pay jobs, Order of the Phoenix work, and misery in his loneliness. The night of November 21 meant nothing significant to him, but on this night, Remus felt more hopeless than ever. He had found light, but it always slipped away from him. What was the point of trying to reach it? Why did he want friends in the first place? To get him out of loneliness? Well, he thought, as kicked a wooden chair, he was happy here, right?

Remus sighed. He had to be honest, it was in his nature. He wasn't happy, he wasn't anything. He couldn't even feel pain in his foot where he had kicked the chair. He was so hardened inside that Remus was practically desperate for something to melt it. But that was something only James, or Lily, or Peter, or Sirius could've done. No one else was left from his friends.

There was Harry. But Harry was at Hogwarts. And even if he did talk to him, what would he say? _Harry, I need someone for me. Can you be my friend?_ It sounded beyond pathetic from a grown man who was the closest thing Harry had to a parent. He had to look strong for Harry.

But there was no one else, friends or family of his friends to be with. Remus smiled grimly at the thought of talking to Mrs. Black's portrait, Sirius' insane mother. Sirius had hated all his family, save his cousin Andromeda.

But there was Andromeda's daughter, Nymphadora, known as Tonks; and Remus did know her, through the Order. He liked her too, he thought she was very amusing, and had he been in his youth, he might've nursed a crush on her…

Remus stood up suddenly from his wooden chair and briskly walked out of his tiny, shabby flat. He didn't even stop to get his coat, feeling a rush of loneliness in the cold November air. Grasping his wand firmly, he turned on the spot and vanished.

Appearing in front of her apartment, he knocked on the door, so as to not appear rude. He heard footsteps from inside, and her voice, unusually low and dry, "Who's there?"

"Remus Lupin," he said quietly, his voice just as dry as hers.

The door opened a few inches, and Remus could see large elliptical eyes pop up from the space in between, as she verified it was him. She swung the door open, gesturing for him to come in, closing it behind him.

Her apartment was brightly colored, shades of yellow, neon green, sharp red, forest green, and others bounced back to his eyes. It was well furnished, with a nice couch and table set, low lamps, and high ceilings. She must be well set off as an auror, thought Remus, as he looked around.

"Is it urgent?" asked Tonks, alertly, picking her wand up off the coffee table. "The Order? Did something happen?"

"No, no," said Remus, hesitatingly.

"Oh," frowned Tonks, dropping her wand on the couch. "Here, I'll get you something to drink…what would you like?"

She walked to the kitchen, and he followed, seating himself on a high stool. "Water's fine."

Tonks filled a glass up with water and slid it to him, across the counter; it wobbled and fell over, spilling everywhere. "Sorry," she muttered. "Where's my wand?" She picked her wand up from the couch and vanished the mess away, propped the glass upright, and filled it with water again.

"No problem," said Remus, smiling slightly, grabbing the cup.

There was a slight pause. "So what happened? Last I heard you were hiding out with other werwolves as a spy."

"I got back three days ago," said Remus, heavily. "But I'd rather not discuss that."

Tonks pulled up a still across from him. "Then why did you come here?"

The question lingered in the air. Why did I come here? Remus thought.

"Because-well, I needed to talk to someone…I'm sorry if I've intruded-"

"Not at all," smiled Tonks, warmly. "I understand. What's wrong?"

"It's-just-" stuttered Remus, not sure how to convey his feelings, having done it seldom. "Everything! My life has turned into a horrible nightmare. I don't know what I did to deserve all of this. I've had to deal with so many problems for trusting people, for making friends, and now all of them are dead or worse, and I'm wondering if it's all my fault-"

"Don't be silly," said Tonks, brushing all his sorrows aside. "Of course it's not your fault. You're just trying to live your own life, aren't you?"

"What is my life?" yelled Remus, angrily. "I've been alone all my life, I have no future career, and I turn into a monster every month that take away more lives and make people as miserable as me! They should just put me down-or something-"

Tonks stood up suddenly and slapped him right in the face, leaving his cheek stinging. Remus held his breath, angry and embarrassed more than anything. Slowly, he exhaled, and turned to face Tonks, who was still standing calmly in front of him, but with a fire in her eyes she'd never seen before.

"I'm sorry," he said, quietly.

"It's ok," she replied, softly, sitting down again.

He sighed. "I just needed to unload that, I've been going crazy in my own mind."

Tonks nodded, unsmiling. "Me too."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Why would you be feeling guilty?"

Tonks face hardened, and she looked away from him. "Because Sirius' death was completely my fault."

"Your fault-?" repeated Remus

Tonks continued, ignoring the interruption. "So if anything you should be yelling _at_ me not _to_ me."

"What? Why? How is this your fault?" questioned Remus, incredulous.

Tonks raised her voice. "Does it matter? What matters is that it's my problem, and that's that!"

"You're the one who tried to sympathize with me!" said Remus, defensively, unused to this angry Tonks.

"Because you looked like you needed it!" yelled back Tonks, slamming her hand to the table. "Not because I'm willing to share any of my problems with you."

Remus looked at her in cold fury. "Didn't I just tell you something very personal? And I was Sirius' best friend! Don't you think you ought to tell me if you think it somehow is your fault?"

Tonks looked down, apparently ashamed. She put her head in her hands and started talking. "When we went into the Ministry to save Harry, I found Bellatrix shooting spells at someone. I became angry-very angry. I mean, this woman is my aunt, and she was trying to kill people that I loved. So I was irrational, and I didn't listen to Kingsley's plan from the elevator. I shot a stunner at her from behind, so she turned around and saw me, excited because she recognized me. We started dueling, and she was the hardest I've ever dueled, so I started becoming scared. I started backing away to a wall to avoid her curses-she was advancing on me. The only thing I could do was keep dodging them, but I had reached the wall, and I realized it was a door and opened it. Then I tried doing something stupid, by pointing across the room to someone random to distract her. Well she had already sent an Avada Kedavra right to my face, so I moved back and shut the door behind me. That's why I didn't die, but I had to go to St. Mungo's. Anyway, apparently I had pointed to Sirius, who was battling with someone else, and they started dueling, and you know, she killed him."

Remus gritted his teeth. "That doesn't make it your fault."

Tonks looked up, confused. "What?"

"I said, _that's not your fault_!" said Remus, flaring up. "Don't try to act like that's all your fault, because you can't control Bellatrix! It's my fault because I didn't control Sirius!"

Tonks laughed derisively. "Oh yeah, I'm sure Remus should've run into the room and run in front of Sirius."

"I let him leave the house!" shouted Remus. "It's my fault because I let him leave. He wasn't supposed to, but he wanted to do something for Harry. And I didn't have the nerve to try to stop him, so I just let him come, and he got killed. Ergo, I practically got him killed! Are you happy now, Tonks? It's not your damn fault."

Tonks looked down. "You can't control Sirius. He loved Harry too much."

"I know," whispered Remus, his eyes watering. "I do too, but I didn't die. I should've."

"No," said Tonks, miserably. "If I hadn't been a coward this never would've happened. I always screw up everything important, I'm like that Pettigrew-"

"You're heart is at least in the right place," said Remus, hoarsely. "That's more than I can say for him. You think you know someone, and then…." His voice trailed off.

There was a long silence. Remus sipped some water, wiping his eyes, lost in mere memories.

"Why did you come to me?" asked Tonks, abruptly.

"I wanted to-" began Remus.

"Talk? Yeah you told me," said Tonks, very quickly. "I mean why did you come to me out of all people?"

"Besides your mother you're Sirius' last family," sighed Remus. "Or at least people he liked."

Tonks deflated, replying moodily. "Oh, yeah, right."

Remus added quickly, "I like you as well. "

Tonks bit her lip, nervously. "If I'm going to be honest, I'm completely intimidated by you."

"What?" burst Remus. "How am I scary?"

"Well," said Tonks, dryly. "I always thought of you as one of those fixed statues, who are all right no matter what happens to them. It's a bit weird that _you_ came to _me_."

"I'm human too," shrugged Remus. "I fall down at times."

Tonks didn't say anything. She grabbed herself a glass of water. "I thought about talking to you for a while…but, well, I didn't know you that well, and I thought you'd think I'm weak."

Remus shook his head. "I wouldn't judge you when you're down. Plus, you remind me a bit of myself when I was younger."

Tonks sat down, excitedly leaning forward. "What were you like when you were younger?"

"Oh well, I take that back," said Remus, absentmindedly. "You're very different from me, but I guess you remind me a bit about how we Marauders used to take life. Come easy, go with a bang."

Tonks smiled, very sweetly, the outline her heart shaped face standing out clearly in Remus' mind. "Yep. That's me, knocking things over."

"That was a little more Peter-ish," laughed Remus. "We would have detailed plans to mess with the teachers and other students back in Hogwarts and Peter easily messed up. Well, he wouldn't draw attention to us with the noise making, and he'd always get out of trouble easy."

"Ha!" laughed Tonks. "I got a Gringott's vault full of detentions in school. I had no restraint, and I'd get caught easily."

"Many of of my teachers liked me, so I only got them when I deserved them," said Remus, shaking his head. "I think they recognized that I would've been a good kid had it not been for a certain James Potter and Sirius Black."

"I never met James," said Tonks, sadly. "I wish I had-I think I might've liked him."

Remus ran a hand through his thin hair. "Oh no doubt about it. Everyone loved him, he was an outstanding bloke. A real one in a million. He was the first person to show me any kind of respect, and I always remembered that whenever he was being a bully. Or in Lily's words, an 'arrogant bullying toerag', I believe."

Tonks widened her eyes. "She didn't like him?"

Remus laughed. "Nah not really at first. James came on really strong to everyone, and he was a bit shallow when he was younger, and Lily would always call him out on it. But he grew out of it, and she grew into him."

Tonks smiled. "That's sweet. You wouldn't stand up to him?"

"Well on things that were ridiculous I would," said Remus, ashamed. "But I wouldn't most of the time. I just kept thinking how lucky I was to have friends, I didn't want to ruin it in any way. Plus, they were actually decent people, not complete gits."

Tonks twirled her hair, shyly. "I know what you mean…I didn't have too many friends in school."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Really?" he inquired, curiously. "You're a very nice person."

"But I'm weird," said Tonks, bluntly. "I know it, so don't feel compelled to protest. But I've never wanted to change myself to fit into a group of people."

"I guess that's where we differ," said Remus, humbly. "You might be stronger than me in that way."

"Are you kidding me?" asked Tonks, incredulously. "I could've never gone through what you have. After all you've been through…"

There was more awkward silence. Remus couldn't think of anything to say, but he desperately wanted to stop remembering the memories…to stop the feelings…

"Didn't you ever give up?" asked Tonks, looking at him right in the eye. "You had nothing left, what kept you going?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I'm honestly not sure. I was-still am, completely devastated by it all. I think I kind of just…turned off during the past few years. But when I saw Sirius again, it was like a spark," he looked down, tears in his eyes. "And that went out too..and-"

Remus cracked. He couldn't deal with it anymore, much less in front of _Tonks_, and he wanted nothing more than just to leave, to curl up and die.

Tonks stood up, pain in her face, and enveloped him in a big, warm hug. "Don't-don't cry," she whispered, hesitatingly.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," said Remus, quickly wiping his face, and pushing her off. "I don't-don't cry, I just-I don't know why I am…I think I should go." He drained the cup of water and hurried to the door, utterly humiliated.

"Remus, no wait-don't go!" she said, protesting, grabbing onto his wrist. "It's ok, I understand, you don't have to-"

"I'm a bit of a private person, Nymphadora," said Remus, opening the door. Tonks flinched at the sound of her name. "I think you'll find this is the best you'll ever get out of me."

"Then why did you come?" bit Tonks.

"If I'm not allowed to, then I won't!" snapped Remus.

"Of course you're allowed to!" said Tonks, impatiently. "You said you're private, but you were honest with me!"

"Well you seemed like a friendly face," said Remus, walking into the hall. "So excuse me for asking for some human interaction for a change!"

Tonks hit her head with her hand. "I'm _offering_ to help you out, Remus, why are you so unreceptive?"

Remus was now trying to close the door. "That's how I am, Dora, sorry."

Tonks was pulling at the door with her whole body to keep it open. "Remus, for Merlin's sake, wait! Wait! Just-"

She shoved herself through the door Remus was tugging at to close. Before he could say or do anything, she wrapped her arms around him in a bear hug and swiftly kissed his cheek. Pulling back, she looked him into the eye, "Just promise me you'll keep being you."

"Yes, yes, Dora, I will," said Remus, hurriedly, half terrified. "You too. Bye."

And with that, he turned on the spot apparating to the outside of his flat. He leaned on his door, partially elated, partially terrified. He wasn't sure what to think; and when he wasn't sure what to think, he always went to the one place where people would think for him…

Remus apparated right outside the Church of Godric's Hollow. He pushed the kissing gate forward and searched for the familiar brilliant white tombstones of Lily and James Potter. Five minutes later, he was kneeling in front of them, respectfully, just as he would for a god. Lily and James were his gods; they had helped through everything in his life, so he at least wanted to share everything with them. He could feel the two of them around him, instinctually; maybe it was the insane mind of a werwolf or maybe it was the longing heart of a dear friend.

Either way, for the first time in fourteen years, Remus looked at the graves of Lily and James Potter and smiled.

He may contain all this emotion, but there was only happiness inside him now. Smiling broadly he thought, _even the hopeless all have hope somewhere_.

**A/N:** Review please. Thank you :)


End file.
